The Bachelor – Iowa/I-Owe-Ya

THREE HOURS of The Bachelor aired on Sunday night, with another episode airing tonight. That is a lot of time spent listening to Chris’s girlish giggle.

The first hour featured interviews with Kelsey, Chris and Andie. Yawn – is it just me, or was that episode incredibly boring? Kelsey was just as fake as always – she pretended as though she had no idea that she was controversial, and you KNOW that’s not true. Later, Andie shed a lot of tears while talking about her breakup with the baseball player – I’ve already forgotten his name. There were few details – they’re both strong personalities, etc.

I hoped the second episode, in which Chris would take the remaining women to his home of Iowa, would be more interesting. After all, Chris’s hometown has really been painted so far as hell on earth.

Chris briefly spoke with the women about sending Ashley and Kelsey home, and then he said goodbye to Megan. But there would still be a rose ceremony! Harrison said one more lady had to go. EVERYONE thought it would be Carly. Everyone except Chris, that is. He told Harrison that he had feelings for all the women and wanted to take ’em all home to Iowa.

I think these women may have been more excited than any other humans, ever, to go to Iowa.

Let’s take a look at where these five women are from, and what they do. Becca is a chiropractic assistant in San Diego. Britt is a waitress (wannabe actress, presumably) in Hollywood. Carly is a cruise ship singer from Arlington, Texas (though she would spend a lot of her time at sea.) Jade is a cosmetics developer in L.A. Kaitlyn is a dance instructor in Vancouver. Whitney is a fertility nurse in Chicago. 

So, five of these six women currently reside in large cities. The other mostly lives on a boat. And they all think they would be happy just up and moving to Iowa? What would any of them do for work there?

The women were pleasantly surprised when they arrived in Des Moines, because it’s a city and has trees. It’s also not where Chris lives.

Jade got the first date card, inviting her to join Chris in his hometown. Arlington, Iowa – population 429 according to Wikipedia. Probably even less, though! Wikipedia says the population declined from 490 people in 2000, to 429 people in 2010. I bet these girls have more Facebook friends than that town’s population. The other girls were JEALOUS as hell that Jade was getting to see the hometown.

Chris owns a very nice house, which probably cost $350 because Iowa. When he showed Jade the vast, empty surrounding land that he owns and farms, it reminded me of that scene from The Lion King. You know the one, where Mufasa tells Simba “Everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

Jade talked about coming from a small town and not having “my head in the clouds” over the idea of moving, and talked about how she’d need to adjust to the slow-paced lifestyle. That sounded like a thinly veiled “oh hell, no” to me.

Chris took Jade for a tour of the “town”, which was mostly just empty, shuttered buildings. Chris told Jade where he used to go, used to shop, used to hang out. The grocery store was closed, the bar was closed. There’s no coffee shop – Chris’s dad buys coffee at someone’s house. Honestly, it sounded like Chris himself wasn’t too thrilled about living there.

It was interesting to see Jade react – she was clearly expecting a small town like the one she grew up in, and instead she found a ghost town. When they went to the high school football game, it kind of reminded me of Friday Night Lights. But even Dillon, Texas had the Alamo Freeze and a strip club.

Jade met Chris’s parents at the football game, and then they went and explored his old high school. In the English classroom, and Jade tried to tell Chris about her past wild child ways. Chris obviously sees Jade a certain way and can’t picture her as much of a rebel. So, she delayed telling him anything more. Jade confessed to the camera that she’s falling in love with Chris.

Next, Chris had a date with Whitney in Des Moines. So, Whitney just won’t see Arlington? This seems misleading. Whitney said this could be her first date “in my new home”. Um, no. It’s your first date a three hour drive from your new home. There’s a difference.

While Whitney was on her date, the other women went on a road trip to Arlington. I love how it was made to seem like it was spur of the moment, when it totally wasn’t. All four women were shocked at how small the town was, and how everything was closed.

Chris and Whitney went for dinner, and she met three of his friends. Whitney seems like the most sensible fit for Chris. They don’t seem to have the most chemistry, but they might last longer as a couple than he would with one of the other women. Except Carly, who seems so intense and desperate that she would never leave Arlington, even to see a movie.

Whitney told Chris that she’s not just looking for a guy, she’s looking for a family. Is this the date where Whitney locks it down? It definitely seems like she’s the frontrunner now.

Chris, Carly, Kaitlyn and Britt went skating together for their group date. They played hockey for, like, three minutes and then Britt stole Chris to talk. She told Chris how she went to Arlington and told Chris that she fell in love with the sunset and felt “so alive” there. I often thing Carly overreacts to things, but she was pretty much lying to the guy’s face.

When Chris had time with Carly, she told him that Britt had said she could never live in Arlington. He tried to talk to Britt about it again, but she didn’t fess up to even momentary negative feelings about the town.

When Kaitlyn finally got some time, she told Chris she felt like she was further behind in their relationship than the other women. Because this is a race. To show Kaitlyn that he really wants to meet her family, Chris gave her the date rose.

Britt, of course, was very upset by this development. Britt really isn’t cut out for this show. She gave Chris a serious death stare when he returned, and told Chris she was confused and hurt – no offense, Kaitlyn! It was such an awkward conversation to have as a group. The show ended with the other women discussing how there is no way for Britt to recover from this. I guess we’ll find out tonight!

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About Jill

Pop culture junkie. Food lover. Feminist. Content marketer. I'm here to win and I'm also here to make friends.
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One Response to The Bachelor – Iowa/I-Owe-Ya

  1. Chris’ girlish giggle is equal parts cute and strange. I love the Canadian chick, she’s super chill and gorgeous and I hope she wins. The nurses voice kills me, as she sounds like she’s talking to pre-preschoolers all the time. The other blonde singer chick is desperate and beyond immature, and Brit seems dangerous, she knows how to get what she wants and I think will do anything. The other girl… Does it matter? She’ll be gone tonight. I loved your recap!

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