The Bachelor: South Dakota, “The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Or Get Shot In The Back”

Well, here we are again! This week’s episode of The Bachelor picked up exactly where last week’s left off – Kelsey’s questionable panic attack. (By the way, Google Kelsey’s husband Sanderson Poe’s obituary. It’s quite a read.) Kelsey eventually got up, was comforted by Chris, and then annoyed all the other girls with her insincere apologies and embarrassment.

I agree with them, Kelsey seems hard to take. She talks a lot. She also comes across as pretty self-involved, manipulative, and delusional. So obviously I was thrilled to find out that Kelsey would be joining Ashley I., the other most self-involved woman in the house, on a two-on-one date.

Chris handed out the roses, and the young single mom was sent home. That was about time – she was way too young for Chris, literally and emotionally. Also, the pretty L.A. fashion designer who was clearly too glamorous for Farm Boy went home. That was unsurprising.

Save A Horse

Chris and the ladies moved from Santa Fe to some kind of weird, old timey part of South Dakota. Man, is this season being produced on a shoestring budget or what? I don’t think I’d go to South Dakota for free, you’d have to pay me. You’d definitely have to pay me to go there with Kelsey.

The one-on-one date in South Dakota went to Becca. Chris picked Becca because she’s the only notch missing on his “women I’ve kissed” bedpost. They rode horses and hung out by the campfire, because South Dakota. Becca seems nice, but there was no connection between them. I got a kick out of the way she mocked Chris’s girlish, high-pitched laugh, though.

While Becca was out on her date, a few of the other girls tried to talk to Kelsey about her poor personality. Sigh. Why? She’s a crappy person. Why try to connect with her, or make amends? Just. Avoid. Her. (Kelsey chalked the misunderstandings up to her natural-born eloquence. She’s articulate and uses big words, guys, BECAUSE SHE’S SMART and can’t help if others don’t get her. And she’s modest, too!)

Ride a Cowboy

For the group “date”, the women had to write a country music song. There was a band there, the people who sing the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”. I’m not familiar with them.

Chris sang first, and it sounded even worse than his laugh. The only thing higher pitched is Whitney’s voice, which does not get any better when she sings. Carly is a professional Cruise Ship Singer, so obviously she was mediocre. But personally, I would’ve liked to see more of Kaitlyn’s charming rap. Overall, this date was truly horrendous and I wish I’d fast-forwarded through it.

Rather than a group date, this was really just a Chris and Britt date with an audience. All the other women felt uncomfortable watching them, seeing how obvious it is that they dig one another. At one point, they ran away from everyone else.

They went to the Big and Rich concert and got pulled up onstage. Chris gave Britt the rose in front of everyone. They kissed in front of everyone. I guess The Bachelor isn’t for people who hate PDA. They were gone for over an hour, while the other girls just sat there. Then Chris left, and the women were left to sit and stare at Britt, feeling embarrassed and inferior. What fun!

“Badlands” is Right…

Time for the epic battle, Kelsey vs. Ashley! I dislike them both, and from the start Chris seemed pretty lukewarm about them himself. The awkward group went for a helicopter ride, and flew past Mount Rushmore. Then they awkwardly sat and sipped wine in silence.

Ashley used her alone time with Chris to talk about how everyone hates Kelsey. No! Never, ever do that. It never comes off looking good.

Kelsey said Chris has to decide whether the woman he proposes to is ready to be a wife. “I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one,” she said. Ummm, that’s a very bizarre thing to say. So, the dead husband was just a trial run? Because no one can be a good wife on their first try? It was a stupid statement.

Chris immediately moved on to what Ashley had said about Kelsey being disliked by the group, and of course she reacted in the least sincere way ever. She acted hurt and surprised, and said she thought Ashley had been a friend she could trust. Ha! That’s hilarious. Kelsey was right that Ashley was wearing too much makeup, though – those eyelashes were laughable and her contouring made her face look dirty.

Kelsey confronted Ashley, who stormed off and sobbed to Chris that he shouldn’t have told Kelsey what she said. She really came across as such a fun gal! Chris comforted her for a while, and eventually sent her home. He seemed exhausted. I was exhausted. The hysterics were… a lot.

The women at the house were upset to see Ashley’s suitcase get picked up, but little did they know… Chris was on his way to dumping Kelsey, too! Yep, he cut both women loose and helicoptered the hell outta there. When Kelsey’s suitcase was picked up, the other women danced upon her grave.

Kelsey seemed unfazed. She still loves her tragic, inspiring life story. “I am immeasurably blessed,” she said. Man, I really wonder if she killed her husband so she’d be able to bear her tragedy with careful grace that others could admire. What a weirdo.

Oh god, next week is a TWO DAY Bachelor event? I can’t handle it.

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About Jill

Pop culture junkie. Food lover. Feminist. Content marketer. I'm here to win and I'm also here to make friends.
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One Response to The Bachelor: South Dakota, “The Perfect Place To Fall In Love, Or Get Shot In The Back”

  1. Mum says:

    Are those two still out there with that bed in the Badlands? There’s a show for next week! Which one comes out of it alive? Eloquence vs. Eyelashes – an equal match up since they both have their Masters 😉

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