This episode of The Bachelor was brought to you by Jimmy Kimmel, reluctantly fulfilling an ABC contract obligation! I bet he’s never been so jealous of the other late night Jimmy.
Date #1 – Join The Club
Chris’s first date was with Kaitlyn, a laid back dance instructor from Vancouver. Last week, I thought Kaitlyn seemed like one of the funnier and more normal contestants. You know, given the standards. So she was a perfect fit for this date, dreamed up by Jimmy Kimmel – a luxurious trip to Costco!
Were they there on a weekend? Because Costco on a Saturday afternoon is its own special kind of hell. I hate it. Chris and Kaitlyn had a list of items to buy so they could host Jimmy for dinner later that evening.
(If I went on a first date at Costco, it would probably be the last. I would get overly excited about all the bulk soft cheese and then I’d make snarky comments about how no one knows how to maneuver a shopping cart.)
The date with Jimmy was weird. The bro vibe was weird. Like, “Look how cool Kaitlyn is! She drinks whiskey and has a loud laugh and thinks it’s OK to go into the Fantasy Suite with multiple women. She’s ALMOST as good as a man! But not quite. Because no woman can be as good as a man.”
“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”
So of course Kaitlyn got the rose. Because she’s a cool girl. (I actually do like Kaitlyn, but you’ve got to admit that the book quote hit the nail on the head.)
Date #2 – Farmville
The group date featured farm animals and a competition, because after all this whole show is just one big job interview! Who will be the last woman standing in the race to become Chris’s next farmhand?
First everyone had to husk corn. I would nail that! I’m a city girl but I BBQ all the time. Of course, I’m also super OCD and would probably spend 15 minutes at that station removing every strand of hair from the corn.
Next, the women had to collect an egg. Then milk a goat. Then, a lactose intolerant woman drank the gross, warm goat’s milk. She’s gonna have such a romantic rest of the day! The final task was manure-related.
“I get kind of nervous around you, and then I know I can be kind of girly and sweet, um, but you are a man and I am a woman so I just wanted to take advantage.” Then she kissed him.
Oh, Carly. You are so not the Cool Girl. How is the Cruise Ship Singer still even here, anyway? Remember her tiny pink karaoke machine?
Chris also kissed literally every other woman there. The very young mom, who was first to kiss Chris, did not take well to this. “So, remember how we kissed?” she asked, like someone the night after a middle school dance. “Why are you kissing everyone else, too?”
Oh good lord. Has this chick ever seen the show? What did she expect?
With all that kissing, I had no idea who would receive the group date rose. It went to Rebecca, a girl I didn’t remember at all. Was that the girl who didn’t kiss him and wanted to take things slow? Fill me in in the comments, guys.
Date #3 – Wedding Guests
Whitney got the next one-on-one date. Whitney is 29, from Chicago, and works as a fertility nurse. Can you get a job doing that in Iowa? Or Idaho? Or wherever the hell Chris lives?
The date started off with some wine, and then they spotted a nearby wedding and “spontaneously” decided to crash it. Please. The whole thing was more scripted than Wedding Crashers the film.
Whitney said she was the kind of young girl who dreamed of her wedding “and now we’re crashing a wedding, and I can’t wait.” How romantic! Chris predicted that the worst thing that could happen is they’d get arrested. These people have clearly never crashed an event before. The worst that can happen is that you’re asked to leave, and then you do.
Here’s the thing, though. When you crash a wedding with a freaking gift, you aren’t “crashing” it anymore. You’re straight up attending. Chris stumbled his way through every single social interaction, but he liked hanging out with Whitney and gave her the rose.
The next day, Chris attended a pool party with all the women. And you know what makes a pool party super fun? You were going to say Super Soakers, I know. But you’re wrong. It’s talking about being recently widowed.
OK, I know what Juelia was talking about was sad and serious and painful. But guys, I could not handle how she was crying and wearing those ridiculous thick false eyelashes TO A POOL PARTY EVEN. Don’t wear false eyelashes to a pool party. Don’t wear false eyelashes when you plan to tell the story of the worst moment of your life and sob a bunch. What even.
When Jade saw Chris making out with Britt, she decided to get on in there and asked for a tour of his place. Next thing you knew, they were in his bed kissing. Gross, but I guess she achieved her goal. Meanwhile, Jillian was secretly waiting in Chris’s hot tub. Then, once Chris joined her, three other girls lurked nearby waiting for alone time. He should just like, set up a booth or something. This is too much. Next thing I knew, Kim Kardashian was crying.